What is Sex to You?

What is sex and why do we have it? Seems like a silly question. Simple enough to answer, right? Sex is an action necessary to reproduce. It feels good in order to create a reaction intense enough to make a spasm needed to suck the semen into the uterus into the ovaries so it can plant itself into the egg. That answer doesn't seem to give the action justice. Science has a tendency to kill romance.

What is sex to you and why do you have it? That question is much better. And try to be specific as you can, as I will. Sex to me is a merging of intimacy. I have it because when it's done right it feels incredible but more importantly to me, I do it because I want to share something special with the person who I'm having sex with. I do it because I want to be closer to this person and completely let go. It makes me feel alive and gorgeous. It's being in and out of control at the same time. I do it because it has the power to validate me and my partner, because I want to give this person the gift of myself.

Every one's sex is the same and different at the same time. If u pay attention to detail then you know that your intimate parts are as unique as a finger print. Pheromones make smells that to one person might be unpleasant, but to another would be extremely arousing. The G spot on every woman is located in slightly a different spot within the vagina, but still is never more than about 3inches deep. A mans penis can be any size, shape, width, curve or texture. Another vagina can never feel like mine, taste like mine or move like mine.

So do I feel that sex is something meant to be experienced with many people? For me it's not. Sex is meant to be experienced with as many people it takes to make you fully aware and knowledgeable of your own sexuality. That could be one person or 100. It all depends on you, the choices you make and whether or not the environment you were raised in allowed you to be fully expressive of your sexuality. i.e if your family allows you privacy in your home or if they allow you to freely talk about or question your sexuality in a knowledgeable environment.

In my case, sex was never an uncomfortable subject to bring up in my household. There were no taboo subjects in my home at all, which made me free to observe and question from a safe enough distance for me to satisfy my small curiosities without ever getting myself into a situation that I wasn't prepared to handle. Because if you get yourself into a situation you can't handle at school, there is tutoring and people you can ask, but if you get into something you can't handle sexually and there's no one you feel free to talk to, that can stick with you for the rest of your life.

The nonchalant attitude that my generation has about sex makes me realize that I could not share a sexual experience with someone who didn't share my values sexually. If I do, I put myself at risk in many ways. Not only do I put myself at risk for disease or pregnancy, but I've given the gift of my body and mind while the other person sees me as little more than a sex toy. Sex in a way is like love, in that it is such rewarding experience that why should you be expected to share it with just anyone? A common misconception about women is that they always equate sex with emotion, but that's not true of all women in this generation, just as its not true that all men don't equate sex with emotion. Sex is one of those things that the more you put into it the more you get out of it. You can do anything in life without emotion, but it seems like a waste of such a passionate aspect ingrained in our personalities.

Sometimes its necessary to have sex in order to experience some aspect of your sexuality, and as long as you don't compromise your own morals or health, than that aspect of sex can be just as important as the kind you have when you're in love. When it comes to sex there's no wrong answer, only bad choices. Bad choices are made when you have bad information, so don't wait for somebody to teach you, you have to educate yourself. Because being abstinent shouldn't make you ignorant and being active shouldn't have to put you at risk. No one can tell you about your body or state of mind. So tell me, what is sex to you and why do you have it?

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Sex is Better When you're Self Aware

Have you ever lost your mind on your partner because you psyched yourself into thinking something that only existed in your head? Or under reacted because you were so busy calming yourself down from what you assumed was nothing; instead you realized that you made yourself look like a fool because you were right about what was bothering you all along? Life is full of that kind of madness but I guess the key is always saying whats on your mind as it becomes relevant.

What I'm worried about is that I've been played so many times that now I assume that everyone is trying to use me. Every time a guy says something nice to me I brush it off as game. Not that I'm wrong half the time, but I know that mentality is what's making me feel the way I do about the opposite sex. Like even the good men are only good for now. So when I'm with a guy and he's treating me nice, all I keep thinking in the back of my mind is "when are you going to show your TRUE colors?" I just know that as soon as I let my guard down he's gunna hurt me. So I don't. Or I do. Either way I seem to be wrong. Except when I'm really comfortable.

I guess what it comes down to is, if a person tried to REALLY get to know me before they pursued me, I would feel comfortable enough to admit to them something like my trust issues or my relationship claustrophobia. Maybe then I wouldn't have to worry about dating a person for a month and they barely know me because they just didn't ask. Cute enough, smart enough but is that really enough? My father tells me that if you want to catch a bus then you have to wait at the bus stop, but just because the bus comes, doesn't mean its yours. I figure, it takes time for the "right" person to come along. You can't expect most of the people you meet will be great for you. Romance is thrown in our faces so much that people think its supposed to come out of thin air. What we have to remember is, unlike most fairy tales there is no "ever after" in life, but no matter how much you have to work on it, at the end of every story, the "happily" part should always be there. There's nothing wrong with working out your problems as long as that's not all your ever doing.

Sometimes when you find yourself hitting a standstill in the relationship, when neither of you is understanding the other, the best thing to do is not to focus on what they feel or think, but more on what your thinking and feeling. Because if you understand yourself better, it will be easier to explain to your partner and Vis-versa.

Love is like capitalism, its all about supply and demand. If you could fall in love with just anybody than what would make it special? If you don't maintain it, it looses its value; Its delicate, but if you truly have it, it's unbreakable. But instead you spend so much time closing yourself off to the world that you wind up closing to yourself. It's when you loose yourself that you begin to feel hopeless and desperate. Once you feel those emotions, they stick with you. You can't forget what its like to feel that empty, so you spend your time trying to make sure that it doesn't happen to you again, not realizing that the more you dwell on those feelings the easier they will come to you.

First you started feeling that way because something terrible happened, then as any little thing doesn't go your way, it triggers a self inflicted emotional beat down. Why is it so easy to put the responsibility on your partner to save you from yourself, so easy to blame them for your unhappiness? Having a partner won't give you a ticket to an undying love party. Its a commitment to many hurdles. A relationship guarantees confusion, misunderstanding, difficulty, and its when you find the answer to those problems that you can claim all the treasures of love.

The honeymoon phase is a tricky part of a relationship. It has all the benefits of a seasoned partnership without the work, so when that doesn't fly anymore, and both of you start to realize what kind of ride your in for, most people get upset. They feel like they lost something that they never truly earned, and when you have that entitlement it seems better to just let the person go than to work on it the hard way. Because its difficult to put your own stuff aside to see an issue from your partners point of view.

How could you even know what your partners point of view is unless you sifted through all the BS to find the meat of the issue. For example, we're having a huge argument about socks, "why the hell do you always have leave your stinky gym socks on the floor, do I look like your maid?!" "Get off my back for once and let me breath without you jumping down my throat." And now you go to sleep mad and bad mouth them to your friends for the rest of the day. No wonder at the first sign of a break up the people close to you are the first to tell you to leave. No wonder so many people wind up resenting each other eventually.

If you feel more comfortable venting your relationship problems to friends or strangers than to your partner, then your issues will not be easily solved, because everyone else around you knows more about what you like than your partner. Or the only time your truly honest to them is when you blow up at each other, which does nothing but make two victims and two villans in a fight with only two people. Why are we so afraid of confrontation? When did people turn to glass, so sensitive that any friction can break a relationship with even the best potential.

The best thing you can hope for in a relationship is potential, because the rest is work. Compatibility is relative, and you can be happy with anyone you allow yourself to be happy with, but the only thing that will keep you that way is patients, empathy and work. People don't love you because they have to love somebody, they love you because you are uniquely you. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are important to someone who loves you, so please don't be shy to be who you are with the people in your life. I guarentee that no one can put up a front forever and when you finally let down your gaurd after trying so hard to hide who you are, it will be too late to fix. Don't let your fears ruin your chance for happiness and dont let people affect your opinion on yourself. With my faults and all, I am perfect and so are you.

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All is Fair in Business and Intercourse

Yesterday, Tre Black of Power 105.1 invited my manager and I to his show. As I walked into the Clear Channel building past KTU and Lite FM (all the stations that used to be on my preset when I had a car) I felt a rush of excitement, nervousness and a refreshed determination. After showing me a tremendous amount of love on his show, shouting Gettin' Kinky w/ Chia out to all of NYC, we had a very interesting conversation over sushi and plum wine. A conversation that was made even more interesting since my manager doesn't drink.

Tre Black had been on my show that Wednesday and had listened to it previously, so he had some valuable feedback. Some of the most curious advice he offered jokingly was that it would benefit the show if I slept with Chad, who is my manager and co-host. I understand the advice. Being the host of a sex and relationship talk show, I know the theory of sleeping with someone you're close to in order to alleviate tension. Although I can't even imagine how much tension that sleeping with my manager would create.

Besides, why are women so often expected to sleep with their managers on their way to success? I'm not Mariah Carey, Celine Dion or Super Head and that's not the way I want to claim my fame. The only time that I've heard of a man doing the same is in Boomerang with Eddie Murphy. I guess being the host of a sex talk show allows for some misconceptions but I am very picky about the men I sleep with; I'm not interested in sleeping with any man, even Chad, for business purposes.

Tre Black gave us some great advice that night. He challenged the way we thought about the show. He made us think about the next level and about what makes us stand out. I think I may know what it is. I think it's because we challenge you to think about things that you sometimes would rather not think about. In the process we learn things about ourselves that mold us. We don't talk at you, we speak with you. We're honest about things that it's hard to be honest about, adding a spoon full of sugar to a medicine that can be hard to swallow.

The dynamic between my co-host and I is incomparable. Even without us ever having slept together, we are able to finish each others sentences, know each others thoughts with a look and argue without holding a grudge. And believe me, we argue on the show and off. That's the way to get to know a person. As my cast and I experience new things, you are able to go through them with us. And in return we go through it with you, because it's hard to go through life's challenges alone.

We're not just a show, we're a movement of self awareness. We don't claim to know all the answers but we know that talking about it in a non judgemental environment will give you the tools to make the right choices by looking for the answers within yourself. We're proud to gain your trust, grateful for the time you spend with us and anxious to repay you for the love you've shown us.

So thank you Tre Black of Power 105.1 FM for your advice, candidness and for challenging us to hold a mirror up to ourselves, but I'll pass on the sex with with my co-host, hopefully we'll have a great show anyway ;)

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