Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pro Education, Bi Partisan

Powerful images, heartfelt stories and political controversies have changed the way this generation views abortion. Who would not want to be a part of a movement called Pro Life? But, in the same breath who would want to knowingly take away their own choices?

I do support the end of abortion, but I do not support the end of my choice to get one.  At this point of my life, as a 23-year-old woman, if I became pregnant from a consensual sex act then I would not choose to get an abortion. I am old enough to be held responsible for my sex life and I am educated enough to be able to handle that responsibility.

If you support the end of abortion like I do, then support sexual education. It is ironic that the very people who call themselves pro life, are also largely in support of abstinence only education, when it is the lack of sexual education that puts many young girls in the position to need an abortion in the first place. Thanks to President Barack Obama, from now on schools will only take on proven methods of sex education with teen pregnancy prevention programs. But if the parents and kids at home do not support the sexual education and guidance of children from day one, there will always be a great need for abortion.

Even if we realize that life does start from conception, remember that in many cases it’s a matter of the child dying in utero or in a back alley trashcan. Abortion is something more traumatizing for women than most people who have never had one would realize. You don’t have to scare people on the streets with signs of pictures with aborted fetuses for a person to understand the weight of abortion. All you need is realistic sex education in and outside of the household.

My wish is that every woman who was ever pregnant would be able to have her child with pride and preparedness. But without a thorough sex education program, describing the difference between love and sex, between sex and foreplay, between  using condoms and not and the tools for men and women to protect themselves such as self defense and birth control methods, we will never get to that point. Not until Pro Choice and Pro Lifers get together and work towards a common goal. Educating the old, young and in between about the realities of sex, birth and individual sexuality.

 • Of the approximately 750,000 teen pregnancies that occur each year, 82% are unintended. More than one-quarter end in abortion- Lindberg LD, Changes in formal sex education: 1995–2002, Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2006, 38(4):182–189.

• Approximately 14% of the decline in teen pregnancy between 1995 and 2002 was due to teens’ delaying sex or having sex less often, while 86% was due to an increase in sexually experienced teens’ contraceptive use- Lindberg LD, Changes in formal sex education: 1995–2002, Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2006, 38(4):182–189.

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Playa Mentality

When a man has access to only one woman, he perceives himself as weak because he is at the mercy of the woman to satisfy his needs. The more sex a man has, the more powerful he perceives himself to be, which explains why men cheat when they're made to feel weak in a fight with their woman or otherwise.

This can be nature or nurture. By nature, I mean that this mentality is used as a defense mechanism. He doesn't want to be thought of as weak, so he does something that makes him feel strong. Cheating is one way he can achieve this and abuse can be another. Some people use drugs or alcohol for the same affect. Perhaps the reason that cheating is so common is because it's one of the few options that isn't illegal.

When I say nurture, I mean that his whole life, he has been taught by people close to him or by society that doing this is what makes you a man. "No pu**y like new pu**y," they claim, yet they want to say that it's all the same.

When a woman does it, the reasons that I notice most are either because of insecurity or independence. Having sex with many men can help make some women feel desired. For other women, cheating can help them establish the fact that they don't need a man. I've never seen "the playa mentality" manifest itself positively, but never in history has it been so glorified.

Some would say that having side relationships will help you stay with the person you're with for longer but if the benefits are not on both sides than it benefits no one, not even the person or people who think they're benefitting.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Affects of Affection

I want to be the type of woman who is there for my man through every time he needs me. I want to send sexy texts to his phone and go out of my way to make sure he has every thing he wants that I have the power to give. I want to be able to show up at his front door in nothing but an overcoat and stilettos and I want to be able to do all of this without worrying about if he’s thinking I’m needy.

At some point in time not that long ago, affection and romance became a sign of weakness. I think both males and females have a need for romance in some way in order to sustain a fresh feeling of happiness and mutual respect.

Has love become so scary because our parents can’t stay together and cheating has become a fashion? Have we convinced ourselves to be cold and unfeeling? Is that what we need to do now in order to fit in and be accepted?

We tell ourselves that when a person jumps through all of our hoops, and passes all of our tests and fits the mold that we’ve created then we will finally begin to open up. This is leading to a circle that enables the behavior that we say we hate.

We’ve become accustomed to a level of paranoia and tell ourselves that a certain type of behavior is acceptable because it’s only natural. There are givers and there are takers. For natural givers, when you care about someone, it’s easy to become selfless and mold yourself to convenience the person who you care about. For natural takers, it’s easy to become enthralled with the generosity of your partner.

Every person has a need for both personal space and close affection. Learning whether you are a natural giver or a natural taker can help you to figure out things that are important to you and the things that you should be paying closer attention to when it comes to your partner.

I want to be in the type of relationship where I can have space and give space to my partner. I want to send him out to the bar with his boys or have a bad argument about something silly and I want to do all of these things without worrying about if I can trust him or not or if he trusts me.

That is what a relationship is made of.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sexual Education

When a parent doesn't tell their kids about sex, does it protect them or put them at risk? Well whether a parent tells their kid about sex or not, they are at risk. We are in a sexual revolution whether we want to confront it or not. Just because you don't teach your child about sex, that doesn't mean his/her peers or people she/he is in contact with will not.

Those most ignorant are targeted, which is what makes kids such a target for abuse. Every day I look in the news there are at least 20 new arrests for pedophiles and children abused by people close to them or people in positions of power and trust. If we begin to educate our children about sex in the phallic stages of development from 3-5, you eliminate a lot of confusion which will allow them understand the difference between good touch and bad touch, between right and wrong. I'm not even going to suggest sex ed programs yet, how about we start at home?

What is it that makes a parent teach a kid about everything they need to grow up except sex. You wouldn't even need to go into details. Try to relate with them in your explanation. You wouldn't let them drive a car without knowing the dangers of the road, or even sharing a few of your own experiences. You can't control what your child sees or hears every day on television, in movies or in adds on the street. Seeing these things sparks curiosity in a child which
will be addressed. And if you don't address it, they either will themselves or they will just remain confused about it.

Most kids learn about sex for the first time from friends or pornographic movies they run into while unsupervised. That explains a lot to me about why kids do not trust their parents about the dangers. It's not enough for a child to know how a baby is made, or the diseases that occur. If everybody is telling you how good sex is, and only your parents or teachers are telling you it is bad, who do you believe? The fact is that sex isn't bad; but just like driving or college, it's better for people who are more mature and educated. Without that education, you are sending your children into an unforgiving world with many hurdles they are not prepared to handle. I'd like to thank my mother for giving me the tools handle this world on my own. If you don't want sex education at school, then do it at home. They'll listen.

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Monday, December 29, 2008

What is Sex to You?

What is sex and why do we have it? Seems like a silly question. Simple enough to answer, right? Sex is an action necessary to reproduce. It feels good in order to create a reaction intense enough to make a spasm needed to suck the semen into the uterus into the ovaries so it can plant itself into the egg. That answer doesn't seem to give the action justice. Science has a tendency to kill romance.

What is sex to you and why do you have it? That question is much better. And try to be specific as you can, as I will. Sex to me is a merging of intimacy. I have it because when it's done right it feels incredible but more importantly to me, I do it because I want to share something special with the person who I'm having sex with. I do it because I want to be closer to this person and completely let go. It makes me feel alive and gorgeous. It's being in and out of control at the same time. I do it because it has the power to validate me and my partner, because I want to give this person the gift of myself.

Every one's sex is the same and different at the same time. If u pay attention to detail then you know that your intimate parts are as unique as a finger print. Pheromones make smells that to one person might be unpleasant, but to another would be extremely arousing. The G spot on every woman is located in slightly a different spot within the vagina, but still is never more than about 3inches deep. A mans penis can be any size, shape, width, curve or texture. Another vagina can never feel like mine, taste like mine or move like mine.

So do I feel that sex is something meant to be experienced with many people? For me it's not. Sex is meant to be experienced with as many people it takes to make you fully aware and knowledgeable of your own sexuality. That could be one person or 100. It all depends on you, the choices you make and whether or not the environment you were raised in allowed you to be fully expressive of your sexuality. i.e if your family allows you privacy in your home or if they allow you to freely talk about or question your sexuality in a knowledgeable environment.

In my case, sex was never an uncomfortable subject to bring up in my household. There were no taboo subjects in my home at all, which made me free to observe and question from a safe enough distance for me to satisfy my small curiosities without ever getting myself into a situation that I wasn't prepared to handle. Because if you get yourself into a situation you can't handle at school, there is tutoring and people you can ask, but if you get into something you can't handle sexually and there's no one you feel free to talk to, that can stick with you for the rest of your life.

The nonchalant attitude that my generation has about sex makes me realize that I could not share a sexual experience with someone who didn't share my values sexually. If I do, I put myself at risk in many ways. Not only do I put myself at risk for disease or pregnancy, but I've given the gift of my body and mind while the other person sees me as little more than a sex toy. Sex in a way is like love, in that it is such rewarding experience that why should you be expected to share it with just anyone? A common misconception about women is that they always equate sex with emotion, but that's not true of all women in this generation, just as its not true that all men don't equate sex with emotion. Sex is one of those things that the more you put into it the more you get out of it. You can do anything in life without emotion, but it seems like a waste of such a passionate aspect ingrained in our personalities.

Sometimes its necessary to have sex in order to experience some aspect of your sexuality, and as long as you don't compromise your own morals or health, than that aspect of sex can be just as important as the kind you have when you're in love. When it comes to sex there's no wrong answer, only bad choices. Bad choices are made when you have bad information, so don't wait for somebody to teach you, you have to educate yourself. Because being abstinent shouldn't make you ignorant and being active shouldn't have to put you at risk. No one can tell you about your body or state of mind. So tell me, what is sex to you and why do you have it?

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sex is Better When you're Self Aware

Have you ever lost your mind on your partner because you psyched yourself into thinking something that only existed in your head? Or under reacted because you were so busy calming yourself down from what you assumed was nothing; instead you realized that you made yourself look like a fool because you were right about what was bothering you all along? Life is full of that kind of madness but I guess the key is always saying whats on your mind as it becomes relevant.

What I'm worried about is that I've been played so many times that now I assume that everyone is trying to use me. Every time a guy says something nice to me I brush it off as game. Not that I'm wrong half the time, but I know that mentality is what's making me feel the way I do about the opposite sex. Like even the good men are only good for now. So when I'm with a guy and he's treating me nice, all I keep thinking in the back of my mind is "when are you going to show your TRUE colors?" I just know that as soon as I let my guard down he's gunna hurt me. So I don't. Or I do. Either way I seem to be wrong. Except when I'm really comfortable.

I guess what it comes down to is, if a person tried to REALLY get to know me before they pursued me, I would feel comfortable enough to admit to them something like my trust issues or my relationship claustrophobia. Maybe then I wouldn't have to worry about dating a person for a month and they barely know me because they just didn't ask. Cute enough, smart enough but is that really enough? My father tells me that if you want to catch a bus then you have to wait at the bus stop, but just because the bus comes, doesn't mean its yours. I figure, it takes time for the "right" person to come along. You can't expect most of the people you meet will be great for you. Romance is thrown in our faces so much that people think its supposed to come out of thin air. What we have to remember is, unlike most fairy tales there is no "ever after" in life, but no matter how much you have to work on it, at the end of every story, the "happily" part should always be there. There's nothing wrong with working out your problems as long as that's not all your ever doing.

Sometimes when you find yourself hitting a standstill in the relationship, when neither of you is understanding the other, the best thing to do is not to focus on what
they feel or think, but more on what your thinking and feeling. Because if you understand yourself better, it will be easier to explain to your partner and Vis-versa.

Love is like capitalism, its all about supply and demand. If you could fall in love with just anybody than what would make it special? If you don't maintain it, it looses its value; Its delicate, but if you truly have it, it's unbreakable. But instead you spend so much time closing yourself off to the world that you wind up closing to yourself. It's when you loose yourself that you begin to feel hopeless and desperate. Once you feel those emotions, they stick with you. You can't forget what its like to feel that empty, so you spend your time trying to make sure that it doesn't happen to you again, not realizing that the more you dwell on those feelings the easier they will come to you.

First you started feeling that way because something terrible happened, then as any little thing doesn't go your way, it triggers a self inflicted emotional beat down. Why is it so easy to put the responsibility on your partner to save you from yourself, so easy to blame
them for your unhappiness? Having a partner won't give you a ticket to an undying love party. Its a commitment to many hurdles. A relationship guarantees confusion, misunderstanding, difficulty, and its when you find the answer to those problems that you can claim all the treasures of love.

The honeymoon phase is a tricky part of a relationship. It has all the benefits of a seasoned partnership without the work, so when that doesn't fly anymore, and both of you start to realize what kind of ride your in for, most people get upset. They feel like they lost something that they never truly earned, and when you have that entitlement it seems better to just let the person go than to work on it the hard way. Because its difficult to put your own stuff aside to see an issue from your partners point of view.

How could you even know what your partners point of view is unless you sifted through all the BS to find the meat of the issue. For example, we're having a huge argument about socks, "why the hell do you always have leave your stinky gym socks on the floor, do I look like your maid?!" "Get off my back for once and let me breath without you jumping down my throat." And now you go to sleep mad and bad mouth them to your friends for the rest of the day. No wonder at the first sign of a break up the people close to you are the first to tell you to leave. No wonder so many people wind up resenting each other eventually.

If you feel more comfortable venting your relationship problems to friends or strangers than to your partner, then your issues will not be easily solved, because everyone else around you knows more about what you like than your partner. Or the only time your truly honest to them is when you blow up at each other, which does nothing but make two victims and two villans in a fight with only two people. Why are we so afraid of confrontation? When did people turn to glass, so sensitive that any friction can break a relationship with even the best potential.

The best thing you can hope for in a relationship is potential, because the rest is work. Compatibility is relative, and you can be happy with anyone you allow yourself to be happy with, but the only thing that will keep you that way is patients, empathy and work. People don't love you because they
have to love somebody, they love you because you are uniquely you. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are important to someone who loves you, so please don't be shy to be who you are with the people in your life. I guarentee that no one can put up a front forever and when you finally let down your gaurd after trying so hard to hide who you are, it will be too late to fix. Don't let your fears ruin your chance for happiness and dont let people affect your opinion on yourself. With my faults and all, I am perfect and so are you.

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Sunday, December 14, 2008

All is Fair in Business and Intercourse

Yesterday, Tre Black of Power 105.1 invited my manager and I to his show. As I walked into the Clear Channel building past KTU and Lite FM (all the stations that used to be on my preset when I had a car) I felt a rush of excitement, nervousness and a refreshed determination. After showing me a tremendous amount of love on his show, shouting Gettin' Kinky w/ Chia out to all of NYC, we had a very interesting conversation over sushi and plum wine. A conversation that was made even more interesting since my manager doesn't drink.

Tre Black had been on my show that Wednesday and had listened to it previously, so he had some valuable feedback. Some of the most curious advice he offered jokingly was that it would benefit the show if I slept with Chad, who is my manager and co-host. I understand the advice. Being the host of a sex and relationship talk show, I know the theory of sleeping with someone you're close to in order to alleviate tension. Although I can't even imagine how much tension that sleeping with my manager would create.

Besides, why are women so often expected to sleep with their managers on their way to success? I'm not Mariah Carey, Celine Dion or Super Head and that's not the way I want to claim my fame. The only time that I've heard of a man doing the same is in Boomerang with Eddie Murphy. I guess being the host of a sex talk show allows for some misconceptions but I am very picky about the men I sleep with; I'm not interested in sleeping with any man, even Chad, for business purposes.

Tre Black gave us some great advice that night. He challenged the way we thought about the show. He made us think about the next level and about what makes us stand out. I think I may know what it is. I think it's because we challenge you to think about things that you sometimes would rather not think about. In the process we learn things about ourselves that mold us. We don't talk at you, we speak with you. We're honest about things that it's hard to be honest about, adding a spoon full of sugar to a medicine that can be hard to swallow.

The dynamic between my co-host and I is incomparable. Even without us ever having slept together, we are able to finish each others sentences, know each others thoughts with a look and argue without holding a grudge. And believe me, we argue on the show and off. That's the way to get to know a person. As my cast and I experience new things, you are able to go through them with us. And in return we go through it with you, because it's hard to go through life's challenges alone.

We're not just a show, we're a movement of self awareness. We don't claim to know all the answers but we know that talking about it in a non judgemental environment will give you the tools to make the right choices by looking for the answers within yourself. We're proud to gain your trust, grateful for the time you spend with us and anxious to repay you for the love you've shown us.

So thank you Tre Black of Power 105.1 FM for your advice, candidness and for challenging us to hold a mirror up to ourselves, but I'll pass on the sex with with my co-host, hopefully we'll have a great show anyway ;)

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